The holidays are over, and we enter the dreadful season we call, THE POLITICAL PRIMARIES. And so, potential voters, once again it’s time to play, “What’s In a Name?”
BERNARD SANDERS: The name BERNARD is of Germanic origin, “Bern-Hard,” meaning strong and hardy as a bear. SANDERS is a simplification of Alexander, a “helper of mankind” but in modern context can mean, “one who sands.” So what you get is a “force of nature with good intentions, who sometimes rubs you the wrong way, and eventually wears you down.”
HILLARY DIANE RODHAM CLINTON. HILLARY is from the Latin “hilarious” meaning “cheerful.” DIANE refers to Diana, the competitive virgin huntress, icy goddess of the moon. RODHAM is a bit of bummer, a combination of “grod” meaning “dirty”, and “ham” meaning “town,” resulting in “dirty town.” And CLINTON? Though it conjures up memories of governors and generals, it literally means “fenced settlement”. What’s it all signify? “Hard-driving, giggling, sexually ambivalent woman, with dirt in her background, married into captivity.”
MARTIN JOSEPH O’MALLEY: MARTIN comes from the Latin “Mars,” meaning brave or warlike, but also means a small bird. JOSEPH is from the Hebrew “Yosef” meaning “he will add” and is most famously equated with the biblical Joseph who was sold into slavery but rose to power in Egypt. O’MALLEY comes from the Gaelic words “maille” meaning gentle and “maglios” meaning chieftain. Put it all together and you get “kind but brave little bird that is initially underestimated but eventually rises to power.”
DONALD JOHN TRUMP: DONALD is a mighty Scottish “ruler of the world.” JOHN comes from Hebrew and means, “Yahweh is gracious.” And TRUMP is the bridge card that can, out of nowhere, defeat all others, and is also a shortening of “trumpet.” In full combination, the name clearly means, “man who was given everything by God, has unfair advantages, and uses them to flamboyantly lord over everyone.” Bonus meaning: His true family name, DRUMPF is a Germanization of the French, “Triomph,” meaning, “I win again, you losers.”
RAFAEL EDWARD CRUZ: RAFAEL is Hebrew, meaning “God has healed.” EDWARD is an Old English mashing of two words and means, “rich guard.” And CRUZ is the Spanish word for “cross” referring to the crucifixion but also means, “an intersection,” a “stumbling block,” a “burden” or “arms painfully outstretched.” So clearly this guy is destined to disingenuously use his evangelical chops to protect the wealthy, is holier than thou, and eventually is really annoying.
MARCO ANTONIO RUBIO: The Italian MARCO refers to the Roman god Mars and denotes “greatness.” Although the initial meaning of ANTONIO is unknown, it is equated with various Roman emperors and Christian saints, so it pretty much means “big shot..” RUBIO is the Spanish word for a male with blonde hair. So this guy is utterly impressive, and his name means, “would be friggin’ awesome if only he would lighten up a little.”
CHRISTOPHER JAMES CHRISTIE: The carrier of Christ, the patron saint of travelers is CHRISTOPHER. Someone who grasps another’s heel in Hebrew would be JAMES, and it means, “supplanter.” And CHRISTIE is a Scottish patronymic meaning “son of Christopher.” All of which means, of course, “sanctimonious guy who spends too much time on the road in a desperate attempt to keep outdoing himself.”
JOHN ELLIS BUSH: See above for JOHN, “Yahweh is gracious.” ELLIS is the Greek form of Elijah, “Yahweh is God.” And someone who lives in a wild place thick with growth would be named BUSH. All of which is irrelevant, of course, if you choose to be known simply as JEB! which the Urban Dictionary defines as a certain part of a man’s anatomy (honest, look it up).