Behold the power of the asterisk.

There’s a product out there whose benefits can hardly be believed: Citicoline improves brain function.* Phenyalanine enhances alertness.* Taurine helps maintain the integrity of cell membranes.* Glucuronolactone has been shown to reduce sleepiness.* Caffeine provides a boost of energy and feeling of heightened alertness.*

Wow, those are some pretty hefty claims, hardly believable even. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that, when these claims are made on the website of 5-Hour Energy, all five of them are disclaimed, *This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. That’s right, five disclaimed claims on a single page!

But hang on, isn’t there a TV spot that says doctors recommend 5-Hour Energy? Well, yeah, sort of, and here’s the script: “Over 73% (of doctors) who reviewed 5-hour Energy said they would recommend a low-calorie energy supplement to their healthy patients who use energy supplements. 5-hour Energy has only 4 calories, and is used over 9 million times a week.” Ladies and gentlemen, that may be the best non-endorsement endorsement ever created. (Ignore the fact that it’s overlaid with a 1-line legal disclaimer, a 6-line legal disclaimer, a 3-line legal disclaimer, and a 2-line legal disclaimer.)

So what we have is a product that purports to be GOOD for you based entirely on the rationale that no one has been able to determine that it is BAD for you.

At least, not until now. This week the Food and Drug Administration and New York’s Attorney General announced that they are investigating claims that 5-Hour Energy may have contributed to 13 deaths and 33 hospitalizations. And, in his defense, all the 5-hour Energy owner has to say is, “It’s overblown. When it’s in small quantities … It’s like this — water is good, but if you have too much you drown.”

Yep, it’s just like water. Water, with a really big asterisk. So, in that spirit, we have a suggestion for a new tagline for this product:

If you drink 5-Hour Energy, you’re crazy*

*This statement has been evaluated by sane individuals, and it’s true. If you drink this stuff, you really are crazy.