Suddenly everyone’s obsessing over the middle name of the junior Senator from Illinois. In the interest of fairness, we thought full disclosure was needed. And so, potential voters, it’s time to play, “What’s In A Name?”

JOHN SIDNEY MCCAIN III. “John,” meaning “Yahweh is gracious,” has a proud tradition, whether you’re talking about The Baptist, Jesus’ wing man, English royalty, or Jon, Jean, Juan, Johan, Shawn or even Sean. “Sidney” is no slouch either. Meaning “wide meadow” in Old English, this was one of the most popular names of the Middle Ages. History is littered with noble Sidneys, Sydneys and even Cydneys, both male and female. And McCain? The “Mc” part means “son of” and the “Cain” part refers to “fire,” “warrior,” “ancient one” and, redundantly, “John.” Does “John, proud but wide descendant of fiery ancient warriors also named John” describe this guy? Discuss.

MICHAEL DALE HUCKABEE. “Michael”, the Archangel, “who resembles God.” “Dale”, from Old English, meaning, uh, “dale” or “valley”.  And Huckabee? That refers to the English village of “Uckerby,” which was named for the “Ukkrs”, a band of marauding Vikings who conquered the area.  (Look it up.) So what does that give us? “Divinely inspired man from the valley, who will bring carnage and destruction.” Amen.

HILLARY DIANE RODHAM CLINTON. “Hillary” from the Latin “hilarious” meaning “cheerful.” “Diane” referring to Diana, the competitive, virgin huntress, icy goddess of the moon.  “Rodham” is a bit of bummer, a combination of “grod” meaning “dirty”, and “ham” meaning “town,” resulting in “dirty town.” And Clinton? Though it conjures up memories of governors and generals, it literally means “fenced settlement”. What’s it all mean? “Hard-driving, giggling, sexually ambivalent woman, with dirt in her background, married into captivity.” Hmmm…

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. “Barack” is a Swahili-ization of “Baruch,” or “blessed.” “Hussein” is the diminutive of “Hassan”, which is Arabic for “handsome.” “Obama” is a common name among the Luo tribe of Kenya, but very little is known about its origins. So we get – drumroll – “charmed, mysterious little heartthrob.” Or something like that.

All of which, of course, has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. Right?