10,000 years ago, most of Europe was buried under ice.

6,500 years ago, as the ice retreated, there was a land bridge that connected England to the continent. Numerous animals migrated across it, including three kinds of snakes: the poisonous black adder, and the harmless grass snake and smooth snake.

2,000 years ago, a land bridge that connected Ireland to England was flooded by rising seas, isolating the Emerald Isle. Before that happened, Ireland was colonized by brown bears, wild boars and lynx.

But never by snakes. There are no snakes in Ireland. Never have been. There have also never been snakes in New Zealand, Iceland, Greenland, or Antarctica. These places have been just too cold and isolated.

Other islands in the world have been colonized by snakes. Madagascar has tons of them, all brought there by natural causes. Guam is overrun by the brown tree snake, which came on board American military planes during World War II. And in 2013, a boa constrictor was run over on a highway in Hawaii. (It probably escaped from an owner somewhere nearby, there is no evidence of wild constrictors on Hawaii. At least, not yet.)

But not in Ireland. No snakes. None. Ever.

So St. Patrick didn’t get rid of them. Sorry, he just didn’t. Perhaps when he reported that he stood on top of a hill and used his staff to herd all the snakes into the sea, Patrick was allegorically referring to the banishing of evil pagan non-believers from the island.

Patrick MAY have been a fifth century Catholic priest. He MAY have used a shamrock to illustrate the Holy Trinity. He MIGHT be buried in Downpatrick. His original trademark color WAS blue, but was eventually converted to green. His day WAS being celebrated as early as the ninth century and became an official Catholic feast day in the seventeenth century. Today he IS recognized as well by the Eastern Orthodox Church, the Anglican Communion and the Lutheran Church. And his day IS celebrated by an estimated 80 million people who claim some Irish heritage.

So, yeah, ara musha Paddy’s a big feckin’ deal.

But you ARE an ‘eejit if you believe the snake thing.

Have a pint, get over it.