The end of the world is upon us. Next Tuesday morning. Save the date.

That’s when we enter the “Tetrad,” a somewhat rare calendar event that features four successive lunar eclipses, each one spaced six lunar cycles from the next. So we’ll see one lunar eclipse next week, followed by a second in October 2014, a third in April 2015, and the final one in September 2015. It’s an evil omen. Gotta be.

(Or, actually, not so much. While Tetrads don’t happen everyday, there will be eight of them in the 21st century, and the last one happened in 2003-2004, though with less fanfare than this one.)

But some of you might be saying, “What about the blood? The blood! I saw something on the Internet that the moon will be crimson like blood!!”

(Yeah-yeah, hate to tell ya, but when the moon is in the earth’s shadow during any lunar eclipse, all of the sun’s rays are passing through our atmosphere and casting a sunset-red shadow on the moon. By definition, ALL lunar eclipses are some shade of red.)

However, there IS one aspect of this Tetrad that’s causing folks to go all apocalyptic. The first and third eclipses will happen on Passover, and the second and fourth ones will happen on Sukkot, the Jewish Feast of Tabernacles, which is a joyous harvest festival which follows right after the solemn Yom Kippur.

Two Passovers and two Sukkots, each marked by blood-red moons? That’s some crazy Old Testament mumbo-jumbo. Which, of course, leads everyone to the inevitable NEW Testament reference. And not just ANY reference, but the killer one, the final one, the end-of-the-world one.

Behold the terror, brothers and sisters, of Revelations 6:12: “And when the Lamb had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth, and the moon became as blood”

Oh God, not the sixth seal! If that’s broken, stars will fall like figs from a tree, mountains will come crashing down and the great day of wrath will be upon us. And then comes the seventh seal, and then…and then…no! I can’t, it’s too horrible!!

(Relax. Chill. Passover always happens under a full moon by definition, and is followed by Sukkot six full moons later by definition. So all we have here is a somewhat rare Tetrad beginning on the one full moon of the year that denotes Passover. With that timing in place, everything else falls the way it does on the calendar, and in a red color, by definition.)

Phew!! OK, so it’s not the end of the world.

But hold on. Wait just one scary second. There IS still some evil ahead. It is coming for you. It is coming for all of us. It’s worse than the apocalypse. And it WILL be here next Tuesday morning.

So get ready. Set your alarm to get up early. Turn on your Quicken program. Or call your accountant. Make your calculations. Fill out your forms. Write a check if you have to. Put it all in an envelope. And mail it to the IRS.

Welcome the end of the world. Tax Day 2014.

(Don’t forget to seal the envelope.)