This week Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a controversial law prohibiting public schools from offering courses which highlight the historic contributions of “ethnic groups.”  OK, then.  The following is the result: the Governor’s (redacted) primer on her home state.

The first humans arrived in Arizona from Asia around 15,000 B.C.  Migrating across the Bering Strait, these immigrants (the original text has been deleted per the order of the Governor).  In the 1500’s, Spanish explorers looking for the mythical city of Cibola arrived in the area and quickly (this part expunged for “promoting resentment of other racial groups”).  In the 1700’s, Spanish settlers arrived in the area, came into conflict with native Americans and (you’re not allowed to read this part either).

In 1821, (some people who live to the south of us) declared independence from Spain, taking Arizona with them.  In 1836, Texas declared its independence from (the country where Cancun is), taking along with it much of (that country’s) northern territory, including part of Arizona.  This was followed by the war between the U.S. and (the guys on the other side of the Rio Grande).  In the 1848 treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, The United States gained Arizona as part of the New Mexico Territory.

Part of that Territory seceded from the Union during the Civil War to join the Confederacy (hmm, that’s an interesting idea…).  After the war, immigrants from (nope) and (uh-uh) and (don’t even think about it) flooded in.  In 1912, President  William Howard (please ignore the fact his father was named “Alphonso”) Taft signed a bill making Arizona the 48th state.

Arizona’s most famous son is Barry Goldwater (oh no he was NOT, he was Episcopalian!).  Today, Arizona is proudly served in the Senate by former presidential candidate John Sidney (deleted: the last name is Scottish) and Jon (deleted: hard-to-spell Welsh middle name) Kyl.

Arizona’s Governor is Janice Kay Drinkwine Brewer (there will be no jokes about drunks on BOTH sides of the family).  She is the proud descendant of Sarah Jane Marble (who arrived in the U.S. the same year the Statue of Liberty was constructed but was absolutely NOT among the “huddled masses,” OK?).

Arizona is home to the world-famous Grand Canyon, which draws visitors from (various suspicious places).

Arizona looks forward to welcoming you real soon (bring your papers).