THE….ANTS….ARE…..COMING!!!

They arrived aboard a container ship at the port of Houston. They are tiny, no more than the size of fleas. They run around in every direction, and have been named “crazy ants” for their erratic behavior. They have multiplied into the billions and have spread across five counties.

They cannot be stopped. They have multiple queens, so killing one queen does no good. They are resistant to over-the-counter pesticides. And when a poison has worked, the surviving ants simply pile the bodies of their dead mates into bridges over and around the treated areas. Entomologists from Texas A&M have been called in. The EPA is considering the use of more lethal poisons. But the ants just keep marching on. “They are like lava flowing and filling an entire area, getting bigger and bigger,” said Ron Harrison, of big pest-control company Orkin.

Now the really horrific part: they want our electronics! For some reason they are drawn to electrical equipment, and they are the perfect size to crawl inside and foul things up. They have shut down sewage treatment plants. Caused computers to malfunction. Shorted out electrical boxes. Set off fire alarms. They have been spotted at Johnson Space Center, and are making their way towards Hobby Airport. Women screaming, babies crying, mass hysteria!

Is it the wrath of God? The revenge of an angry planet? If so, there’s only one thing left to do: we must admit defeat and negotiate with these terrorists. Somebody please point the crazy ants to the mainframes of ExxonMobil.