I object.

It seems that working-from-home has radically changed the mood and modis of Clarence Thomas. For decades he has been the hateful sphinx of the Supreme Court; staying completely silent during oral argument, and then churning out one reactionary opinion after another. It’s bad enough that he has no humanity, he also has no sense of humor.

But then came the lock-down. And with the Court now working via teleconference, Thomas has suddenly become downright loquacious, firing off one colorful question after another. This week he went full-on fantastical while debating whether a state can “bind” their electors to vote for the candidate who wins the popular vote in that state. Thomas, sarcastically mocking the opposite position, argued, “The elector who had promised to vote for the winning candidate could suddenly say, you know, I’m going to vote for Frodo Baggins. I really like Frodo Baggins. And you’re saying, under your system, you can’t do anything about that.”

The lawyer being challenged gamely responded, “Your honor, I think there IS something to be done, because that would be a vote for a non-person. No matter how big a fan many people are of Frodo Baggins,”

Now, I’m no legal scholar, but citing Frodo Baggins as an example of a potentially bad alternative to the average politician is preposterous. Judge Thomas should remember that Mr. Baggins voluntarily carried the fate of the world on his shoulders, and was willing to get stabbed by a Morgul blade, skewered by a mountain troll, bitten by a monstrous spider, endure weeks of mind control and deprivation, and finally have his finger bitten off. Along the way, his example motivated elves, dwarves, and men to work in common purpose. And – oh yeah – he rid the world of pure evil.

No bone spurs, no emails.

So, I object, I think Frodo Baggins would make a phenomenal alternative to the average politician. The only problem, of course, is that Frodo has already left to a well-deserved retirement in Westernesse.

On the other hand, there IS someone who might fit the bill. Folks who have actually read Tolkien – as opposed to just watching Peter Jackson’s excellent films – will recall that his companion Sam, after carrying Frodo to the Cracks of Doom, later led the hobbits’ post-war scouring and reconstruction of their homeland. After which, he was elected to high office in Michel Delving, and served 7 consecutive 7-year terms as Mayor of the Shire. Can you imagine? Fifty years of peace and prosperity, and – thanks to a little elven magic – the only Mallorn tree west of the mountains and east of the sea.

All without taking a single coin of PAC money.

And so, Judge Thomas, I object to your example, but humbly suggest an alternative.

To lead us out of these troubled times of systematic lies, pandemic plague, economic disaster, cultural infighting and national despair, I offer an honest heart, an uncorruptible soul, a loyal companion, a friend to all good peoples, and – most importantly – a professional gardener.

If it please the court: Samwise Gamgee for President.