(Maybe it’s the heat wave, but we just had the craziest dream…)

President Obama and Representative Boehner have agreed to a deal to split…hang on…oh wait, our bad…they’ve only agreed to split the lunch tab over at 5 Guys.  (Boehner had the bacon cheeseburger, Obama took a bashing for ordering the veggie dog.)  Still no resolution on raising the debt ceiling.

On the news, stocks tumbled 5%.

The Gang of Six was gaining momentum, until their after-hours, finger-snapping rendition of “Cool” from West Side Story was panned by the Senate.  Eric Cantor just took his ball and went home, so there! Nancy Pelosi has just completed a rousing speech in defense of entitlement programs, including the right to a weekly perm and facial at the House Salon. Spokesmen for Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are having a devil of a time explaining that they were NOT, in fact, separated at birth.  And Michele Bachmann is circulating a petition demanding that everyone must wash their hands after using the Capitol rest rooms (cleanliness is Godliness).  Ron Paul refused to sign on libertarian grounds.

This just in: Standard and Poor’s has just downgraded the U.S. credit rating to “ridiculous.”

Meanwhile, Bill O’Reilly and Chris Matthews are arguing over the difference between “deficit” and “debt.” Glenn Beck is explaining it for them on his white board.  Rachel Maddow just tossed a pie into Ann Coulter’s face.  Keith Olbermann is – never mind, no one knows where he is these days.

OK, a deal has been struck! House Republicans will agree to raise the debt ceiling but ONLY if Michelle Obama has her vegetable garden plowed under and apologizes to the American people for forcing them to eat healthy.  The Senate will agree to repeal the Bush-era tax cuts for folks making over $250K, but ONLY if Medicare and Social Security recipients sign a form declaring, “We are not worthy!”  The President will agree to it all, but ONLY if he can use a line-item veto and get Michelle’s garden back.

Once the bill has become a law, the Tea Party will gather on the Capitol steps, and burn it.

(We shouldn’t have ordered the Caliente Chimichangas at the Taco Loco…)