Some things we know to be true. Such as the fact that 10,000 years ago, most of Europe was buried under ice.

6,500 years ago, the ice retreated, leaving a land bridge that connected England to the continent. Numerous animals migrated across it, including three kinds of snakes: the poisonous black adder, and the harmless grass snake and smooth snake.

2,000 years ago, a smaller land bridge that connected Ireland to England was flooded by rising seas, isolating the Emerald Isle from Albion. Before that happened, Ireland was colonized by brown bears, wild boars and lynx.

But never by snakes. There are no snakes in Ireland. Never have been. There have also never been snakes on other islands, like New Zealand, Iceland, Greenland, or Antarctica. These places have been just too cold, or too isolated. Did I mention there have never been snakes in Ireland? I think I did…

There are some islands in the world that have been colonized by snakes. Madagascar has tons of them, all brought there by natural causes. Guam is absolutely overrun by the brown tree snake, but that got there on board an American military plane during World War II. And in 2013, in Hawaii, a boa constrictor was run over on a highway (It probably escaped from an owner somewhere nearby, as there is no evidence of wild constrictors on Hawaii. At least, not yet.)

But snakes never made it to Ireland. No snakes. None. Ever.

So you know what that means: the well-known story that St. Patrick stood on a hill and used his staff to herd snakes into the sea is a fabrication, it just never happened. That legend is probably just an allegory for his banishing of evil pagan non-believers from the island.

As for Patrick himself, there is more that isn’t quite certain. He MAY have been a fifth-century Catholic priest. He MAY have used a shamrock to illustrate the Holy Trinity. He MIGHT be buried in Downpatrick. His original trademark color WAS blue, but was eventually converted to green. His day WAS being celebrated as early as the ninth century and became an official Catholic feast day in the seventeenth century.

Today he IS recognized by Catholics as well as by the Eastern Orthodox Church, the Anglican Communion and the Lutheran Church. And his day IS celebrated by an estimated 80 million people who claim some Irish heritage, the vast majority of whom do not live in Ireland, ever since the mighty murphy started going brown and smelling bad in ’45, and the horrors of Black ’47, which forced desperate Irish folk to relocate all over the planet.

So, good morning, today is certainly Patrick’s Day. And yeah, Paddy’s Day IS a big feckin’ deal.

But sorry, you ARE a bleedin’ ‘eejit if you believe that ‘ting about the snakes.

Ara musha, have a pint, get over it. And it’s Friday, have another one.

Sláinte!